It’s the silence. It's an old-fashioned thing , but I'm a beekeeper, and my dad was a beekeeper, and my granny was a beekeeper. Oh, homework!I hate you! Homework! Always at my journey’s end, when I was flat and lonely. But Mother had turned a bit awkward When she thought where her Albert had goneShe said, "No! Enjoy Oh. Said mother as she got the mop: These messy games have got to stop !The Dog - Ogden NashThe truth I do not stretch or shoveWhen I state that the dog is full of love.I've also found, by actual test,A wet dog is the lovingest.My favourite - Ogden NashA Word to Husbands To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. Oh, SIT BACK! Recent posts by Shirleypoppy. By Shirleypoppy. by Pam Ayres, published by Ebury Press, price £16.99. See more ideas about poetry, funny poems, poems. Pam Ayres is absolutely essential to British humour. Share your comments. You stink!I wish I could wash youaway in the sink.If only a bombwould explode you to bits.Homework! This is a select list of the best famous Pam Ayres poetry. It’s boiling! Looking back to Lockdown#1 from Lockdown#2. The Berkshire-born comic poet Pam Ayres came to the British public’s attention in 1975 when she appeared on the talent show Opportunity Knocks; a string of bestselling volumes of humorous poems followed. Oh, homework!You're last on my list.I simply can't seewhy you even exist.If you just disappearedit would tickle me pink.Homework! “This poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it isn’t mine,” Ayres tweeted on April 14. So I took my favorite, Mary Ann (though I thought t was a dreadful shame 5To give such a perfectly lovely child such a perfectly horrid name), And I called her my dear little Fifty-four a hundred times, till I knew The answer of six times nine as well as the answer of two times two. If they haven’t seen us for a while. Which of course would make us even later. The tongs were turned off. If you call her Fifty-four for a while, you ll learn it by heart, she said. You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died. And if I’d had a rotten day, if I was tired and spent. In the jingle of her collar and ecstatic doggy smile. THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART I'm the dolly on the dustcart, ... Modern children like so much, I'm one of those hard old dollies, What are very cold to touch, Modern dolly's underwear, Leaves me a … I'm not going to keep exercising, I'm not going to take HRT, If a toy boy enquires I'll say, "Hah! Autumn 2020. Pam Ayres - The Works: The Classic Collection View offer The Works contains 120 of Pam Ayres' best-known poems, including 'The Battery Hen', 'Please Will You Take Your Children Home Before I Do Them In? The sky was grey.We had nothing to do and nothing to say.We were nearing the end of a dismal day,And there seemed to be nothing beyond,THENDaddy fell into the pond!And everyone's face grew merry and bright,And Timothy danced for sheer delight. For details of Pam’s current and future theatre tours, visit pamayres.com. ', 'Sling Another Chair Leg on the Fire, Mother' and, … We have had a look at a few Spike milligan poems and Edward lear poems. “WOODLAND BURIAL”: a poem by Pam Ayers Don’t lay me in some gloomy churchyard shaded by a wall Where the dust of ancient bones has spread a dryness over all, Pam Ayres was born in Stanford in the Vale, Berkshire, now administered as part of Oxfordshire. I'd rather take bathswith a man-eating shark,or wrestle a lionalone in the dark,eat spinach and liver,pet ten porcupines,than tackle the homeworkmy teacher assigns. The keeper was quite nice about it He said, "What a nasty mishap Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?" Apr 23, 2014 - 'Seagull' is featured in the brand new collection, You Made Me Late Again by Pam Ayres. There was something in the welcome; there was something in her style. I’d have thrown all me sherbet away. Why not be the first to send us your thoughts, Yes, I’ll Marry You by Pam Ayres is one of our favourite wedding poems… “Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear. This is a list of the Oct 7, 2019 - Explore Brian Prince's board "Poems Pam Ayres", followed by 875 people on Pinterest. The 100 best friend poems written by true friends about friendship where you can find the top friendship poems for best friends and a girl friend. Here comes Pam Ayres…and she looks like a cod!’. I know shes a patron of the BHWT but didnt know shed written a poem to them. Best if you hear her deliver them - I just love her voice. "Click!Then the gardener suddenly slapped his knee,And doubled up, shaking silently,And the ducks all quacked as if they were daftAnd is sounded as if the old drake laughed.O, there wasn't a thing that didn't respondWHENDaddy fell into the pond! The tail that wagged so furious, the eyes that shone so bright. And here’s the reason why: So I can push you out of bed When the baby starts to cry. To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet. That little dog convinced me I was someone’s one and only. I wish I'd been that much more willin' When I had more tooth there than fillin' To pass up gobstoppers, From respect to me choppers And to buy something else with me shillin'. And we’re staring at our watches in frustration. Willie Built a Guillotine - by William E Engel Willie built a guillotine, Tried it out on sister Jean. They’ll think we’ve upped and died. I still love so many Please Mrs Butler and Heard it in the Playground poems. So, seeking for further amusement They paid and went into the zoo Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els And old ale and sandwiches too. Will I have to keep trying so hard? Part of the Daily Mail, The Mail on Sunday & Metro Media Group. For the music it is missing, and my home is incomplete. THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART - Pam Ayres Poems : Poems » pam ayres » the dolly on the dustcart. Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence And didn't know what to do nextSaid, "Mother! And Pa said "What do you usually pay?" Pam Ayres celebrates 30 years in show business with her one-woman show which was recorded live at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham in 2005. Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you? Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money by Pam Ayres. Pam Ayres poems, quotations and biography on Pam Ayres poet page. In her poem Pollen on the Wind, she writes: “I loved it as a friend, but now must learn to dwell apart/ From my home . I wish I'd had more children. Oh, homework!I hate you! Just seen Pam Ayres on Gardeners World and it got me remembering some her of fantastic poems, googled some of them and came across this one. Here are some of Pam’s popular poems. Oh, homework!You're giving me fits. Not me!". Laughed and cried in equal measure. I’m normally a social girl. 16 Nov, 2020. The music of her tippy tappy doggy dancing feet. "How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,As they foamed in the waters beneath,But now comes the reckonin'It's me they are beckonin'Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.When Daddy fell into the pond by Alfred NoyesEveryone grumbled. Oh how I laughed at my Mother’s false teeth, As they foamed in the waters beneath, But now comes the reckonin’. Here is a selection from her new collection. Poet Pam Ayres is a bit of a national treasure. To order a copy for £14.99, with free p&p, contact the YOU Bookshop on 0844 472 4157 (you-bookshop.co.uk). And Milligan will always make me smile. It’s like crossing the equator! And if we hear a knocking And it’s creepy and it’s late, I hand you the torch you … Dd really likes Please Mrs Butler and Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes. Pam Ayres, ‘Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth’. Don’t say you’re going to eat another snack. "So Mr and Mrs RamsbottomQuite rightly, when all's said and doneComplained to the Animal Keeper That the lion had eaten their son. The 71-year-old poet, comedian, songwriter and presenter first found fame with an appearance on Opportunity Knocks in 1975. You’re blocking out the mirror! You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died. * * *They've locked all the doorsand they've put out the bat,Put on their batjamas(They like doing that)They've filled their batwater-bottlesmade their batbeds,With two springy battressesfor sleepy batheads.They're closing red eyesand they're counting black sheep,Batman and Robinare falling asleep. We need to stay inside. Oh, Homework!by Jack Prelutsky============ Homework! Pam Ayres was born in 1947 in Berkshire and left Faringdon Secondary Modern School at the age of 15. "Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller I think it's a shame and a sin For a lion to go and eat Albert And after we've paid to come in!" To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money by Pam Ayres. or debate this issue live on our message boards. They’ll never know the things we did. Since I took her to the surgery and came back on my own. Pam Ayres on Gardening. A hairy tartan blanket in her basket on the floor. by Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth, And spotted the perils beneath, All the toffees I chewed, And the sweet sticky food, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth. someone's got to be summonsed"So that were decided upon. Homework! Yon lions 'et Albert"And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed! Since then she has gone on to perform for Her Majesty The Queen and was made the top 10 of a BBC poll to find the nation's100 favourite comic poems, for her piece Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth. What a woman. Read all poems of Pam Ayres and infos about Pam Ayres. Published: 10:01 AEDT, 13 October 2013 | Updated: 10:01 AEDT, 13 October 2013, With her witty ditties full of humour and heart, Pam Ayres has been one of the nation's favourite poets for four decades. Next day Elizabeth Wigglesworth, who always acts so proud, Said, Six times nine is fifty-two, and I nearly laughed aloud! They will burn through the worktop and into the drawer, If they haven’t already set fire to the floor.I can smell it, can smell the most acrid of pongs, As my carpet dissolves under hot curling tongs, I can hear it, the hiss and the roar and the crackle, An inferno out of my hairdressing tackle.Oh, please, as I twiddled the hair round my face, When every last twiddle was twiddled in place, Did I put the equipment back where it belongs? Featuring a mix of new and classic poems and monologues, Pam’s unique style has made her a firm favourite with audiences both in the UK and throughout the world. Well I just cannot say, My ghastliest fears are rampaging away, I fret, while pretending to savour the drive, Are flames licking round my Chanel No 5?And mentally, throughout the show and applause, I check our insurance to look for the clause, That says any payout is shrouded in doubt, If you don’t turn your tongs off before you go out.Is my beautiful bathroom now swirling in smoke? I am a battery hen, on me back theres not a germ, I … Our friends abandoned hope and went to bed, O Botox, O Botox, I’m ever so keen, To look as I looked at the age of sixteen, Induce paralysis, do as I ask, Give me, O give me a face like a mask.O take up a surgical bicycle pump, And give me some lips that are lovely and plump, Young men will stagger and say ‘Oh my God! Pam Ayres is celebrated in the UK (and far beyond) as a favourite radio, TV and stage entertainer; it is impossible to read her comic poems without hearing her voice in your head. But lately with the virus here we can’t go out the gates. "So the manager had to be sent for He came and he said, "What's to do?" I switched on BBC Radio 7 purely by chance while in the kitchen this morning, and was rewarded with this: ... poems. ; Sling Another Chair Leg on the Fire, Mother; and, of course, Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth. You see, we are the ‘oldies’ now. wearymum200 thank you for reminding me about When Daddy Fell Into The Pond. If I had found indifference in every place I went. by Pam Ayres Will I have to be sexy at sixty? After leaving Faringdon Secondary School at the age of 15, she joined the Civil Service as a clerical assistant and worked at the Army (RAOC) Central Ordnance Depot in Bicester . I need to help my son choose a poem to learn for year 5 literacy. PAM AYRES – Poem about the coronavirus. We could have sailed there, calm and sweet. See more ideas about poems, verses, funny poems. See more ideas about poems, funny poems, verses. 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